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Working on month 3 of not smoking. Doing great at that. Drinking not so much. Stressing on finances even worse. The heart palpitations have returned. Which leads me to believe they are stress related or there is really something wrong. While discussing this with a coworker he told me people our age don't have heart problems. I want to believe him.

I got the job at the Veterinary clinic! Now I have two jobs and just need to figure out how to work them both at the same time. One day off a week is enough for me and I need to get caught up on debt so I can afford a car by next winter. This leads to giving up my smart phone. And the saddest part of this fact is that I feel sorry for myself. I have crossed over to the other side and now I know what I am missing. This makes me really angry. Stupid technology and all your convenient loveliness. Someday, we will meet again.

I also fell off the wagon and bumped my head last weekend. All weekend. Still don't feel right. But I haven't given up on my jogging. I've been going strong for over a month and LOVING it. I can see my body transforming and feel the benefits of fitting in my jeans. I also ate too much cheese in the past week and regret it completely. Why, oh why do I keep learning these lessons over and over again? When will they stick!?

Cross My Heart

I've been trying so hard lately. That's it. Trying at life. I've been improving mine. I have cut animal products from my diet (though some days I can't resist that slice of Tilamook on my sandwich or lentil burger) but I think 98% is my best at this point. I have been jogging, treating myself nicely, and feeding my body with proliferating positivity and plant material. I have been trying so hard at other stuff lately that I forgot that the 15th marked two months without cigarettes. *SMILE* This is the longest I have ever gone.
The combination of vegan diet, regular exercise, not smoking, and cutting back on the booze has made me that annoying person that thinks life is EXTRAORDINARY!! My sister says I'm not as annoying as I think because I still get the blues from time to time. I had a bad day on Monday. A rough go at life but I took a jog in the afternoon and talked myself down from the proverbial ledge.
Honestly, everything is better. Food tastes amazing. No more irregular heart palpitations. I can smell how lovely my perfume is. How dirty the homeless man is. You get the point. I also have an interview with a spay and neuter clinic tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Enjoy Your Acheivments

Well, folks...(by folks I mean no one, because I only have one follower who is to Blogger as Tom is to Myspace.) I haven't smoked any cigarettes for an entire month! Yesterday marked my 30th day of freedom from those smelly, disgusting, killing sticks and I couldn't be happier. I haven't mentioned this in previous blog entries but, I stopped drinking alcohol about two weeks into my quit. Other than being a bit reserved at parties I feel really great about this decision. I'm not sure I will give up alcohol forever because that's a long time and I like wine. And beer. And whiskey. Awe, who am I kidding? I like all booze. I just decided instead of risking a myocardial infarction I would shelve my consumption for a bit. I figure it's tough to enjoy life if you're dead.

Other than the party awkwardness it IS fun to watch everyone else get hammered. It's also awesome to mess with them, make sure they have a sober ride home, and not being ashamed of yourself or having a hangover the next morning is pretty hard to top. If I could only master that moderation technique everyone speaks of I may try again.

The Sun Can't Burn Forever

There is a freedom that comes with using public transportation. The freedom from paying outrageous gas prices. Free from the hustle and bustle of the blacktop. Free from being stuck behind a long line of cars in the fast lane because no one can decide how fast they want to go but wont move over. Free from the worry of expensive traffic violations, parking fees, and maintenance. Free to relax, read, and enjoy the ride.

Now I'm not saying don't own a vehicle because I know just as well as Conor Oberst that "there is nothing that the road cannot heal." And as Ben Kweller said "if you cant get behind your own life get behind the driving wheel and go find a place that you don't know." I am also a big fan of exploration as a result of getting lost and road trips. It just seems that one person in a car driving 57 miles round trip 5 days a week is a bit excessive and stupidly expensive.

Don't get me wrong public transit is not without adverse qualities; smelly large people sharing the bench seat with you. Some days you are like sardines packed in a can, a hot muggy can without air holes. I think this teaches tolerance and patience. Not to mention acclimation.

Riding the bus also helps me work on stifling that judgmental voice in my head. Most days it restores my faith that there are good people in this world and keeps me grounded while understanding that even though my education level may be higher than most I AM the lower class.

The Junkie

I think the best advice I've received in the past month has been from an online cessation site about not letting the junkie win. I suspect we all have one. An inner junkie. The voice in your head that tells you it's a good idea to eat that doughnut or you need that next puff. And lately my inner junkie has been loud and clear.

Maybe this is because I now know what to listen for and to combat. I've been fighting said inner junkie on many occasions in the past two weeks or so and I must say I am getting better. I also have the advancement of the internet and social media to thank for helping me to recognize my problems and finding healthy/productive ways to deal with them. As well as discovering that I am not an anomaly and there are others like me in this world.

While I'm on the subject I would also like to thank @therealcarmargo and Max Ehrmann for sharing this little gem in the soil.

A Little Help From My Friends

For me the hardest part of smoking cessation is booze. I can't put my finger on the exact reason. Maybe it is because I used to smoke heavily when I drank, maybe booze makes ciggies taste better, or addictions like to hang together, or just maybe by loosing your inhibitions intoxication makes you THINK smoking is a good idea.

This weekend I was thankful to have a smoking friend who left her pack at home for our camping trip. Sure it was an accident but I like to think it was some sort of divine fate because I had so much wine that smoking a cigarette sounded like a brilliant idea. Even when we got back and she had to drive me home she refrained. Which leads me to the conclusion that ALL smokers understand how disgusting, stinky, addictive, and deadly cigarettes truly are. I am lucky enough to know one that had enough restraint to respect my decision to stay quit even if she can't.

Is It In You?

Still going strong without cigarettes. Not counting the days. Just taking them as they come. Lately, I have noticed a strange occurrence that seems to happen on a daily basis. I have these mini panic attacks when I am watching TV, reading, relaxing, or doing other unproductive activities. It hits me like an epinephrine shot but dull in physical sensation. My mind races for a second and says "You need to do something." This is when I would usually stop whatever unproductive thing I was involved in and go outside to smoke. It happened yesterday when I was on the couch playing on the iPhone. It didn't last long but enough for me to identify the problem. For the first time in my life I disobeyed that voice and did not feel guilty about it. Like a lot of feelings lately I just let it pass. My sister seems to think it is a result of a more deep rooted psychoneurotic issue. One day at at time.

So what does this all mean? I'm not sure. I can only speculate that admitting I have an addiction is leading to more self discovery. Good and bad. I am gaining confidence in myself and learning to work on things that I have been unhappy with. Everyday is a new chance to be a better person. Better for myself and for those that inhabit the earth with me. As the Dalai Lama once said, "Since universal compassion involves gradually expanding one's circle of concern to the whole of humanity, it needs constant cultivation." I'm learning to be nice to myself. Something I had never realized needed to be managed.